Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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