I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
