I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
