winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
