now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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