i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
