Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Someone came in the potted fern
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
