I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Im part way to drunk.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
