It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
