how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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