After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
