is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
