Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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