Already got asked if we're dating
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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