i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
