i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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