sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
