This is the prime rib incident all over again
Semen is not good for contacts.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
