i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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