Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
