The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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