Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
