I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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