Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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