Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
