she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
