I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
