My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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