if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
