Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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