I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
