If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
