yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
