so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
