I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
