Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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