Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
