So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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