if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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