I wish I only lived at night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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