there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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