i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
