I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
