im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
