No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize