Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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