My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
