I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
