Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just high enough for therapy.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
