Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
