she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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