when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize