did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
