My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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