genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
