I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
