2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
