I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
