It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
