I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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