my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
