Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Houston, we have a blender
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
