You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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