nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
