swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
