The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
