I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
